There’s plenty written by women about how unfair division of household chores is the classic symptom of patriarchy.
They’ve written about how it is not just about cooking, but also about the mental burden of thinking about the house — about grocery shopping, about making a list for grocery shopping, about keeping a mental checklist of other household details.
Socialized as a man, I’ve had to learn a lot of this the hard way in my house living with Swathi.
I’ve written about how I hate cooking. The harder question for me is to figure out whether I would have hated cooking if I was brought up in a culture where I’m expected to cook. I can keep thinking about how I am not a foodie, how I eat most meal in a couple of minutes, how I love washing plates, and so on. Yet this question will never be resolved.
But Swathi had some very difficult conversations with me where I’ve realized it doesn’t matter whether I like cooking or not. It is a household chore, and it has to be taken care of. Like if the pipe in the bathroom is broken, it’ll have to be fixed. Or the bulb will have to be replaced. Or the internet has to be recharged.
Cooking, grocery shopping, and shopping list building are household chores that one has to do regardless of whether one likes them, or is good at them.
If two people are living in a house, they’ve to divide the chore.
You live in an unequal society where it is acceptable to take services of a domestic worker. But still talking to them and describing what to be made, and ensuring ingredients are available are all remaining chores. And they have to be shared by members of the household.
If this sounds complicated, think of how difficult it is for Swathi. She likes cooking for joy. And if I’m even a tiny bit lazy, she will become the “default cook”. And then she will be wondering whether she’s suffering from patriarchy or just enjoying something she likes. These western ideas like feminism have ruined her ability to like cooking.
Not just that. She now has the additional burden of having to do a PhD in figuring out whether my dislike for cooking is an “Akshay problem” or a “man problem”. Whether it is an unacceptable remnant of patriarchy, or whether it is an ignorable trade-off.
So instead of torturing her, I try to handle the household an equal number of days. And like many other things I’ve had to learn (like not misgendering people, not making ableist assumptions, being aware of my biases, etc), this also becomes easier as I practice it. And I’m also trying to reframe cooking in my mind such that it becomes an enjoyable activity for me. I think of it as a break from work, as a time to listen to podcasts, and so on.
It is an ongoing struggle where I fall back to my old patterns of starting with my phone and work every day morning, and it becoming too late, and then me suggesting “let’s go outside for breakfast”. But like exercise, I manage to do it on some days. And I hope to have more such days.